ohliviahhh's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If it can have half, it will stay "Who knows how to make love stay?
Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock of its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world is on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning.” ~Tom Robbins. I'm not always very good at expressing Love, but at this point in my life I know what it is, and most importantly, what it is not. It's not like a Teddy Bear, Warm and Fuzzy. It sometimes seems like a baby mole, or mouse; this small hairless and helpless thing that's so extremely vulnerable. It's like a wave coming right at you and not being able to close your eyes. It's really such a helpless feeling--fooling you by making you want to defend yourself against it and be Strong, but doing so is even more Weak and Cowardly. It's what you do when your actions aren't for you. It's not something anyone can really truely "Posess." Not in the long-term sense. It's like food; a renewable resourse that need to be replenished. It just takes a Hell of a lot longer to starve without it, but some would say it's a more painful way to go. Love doesn't always mean Like--the two can become suprizingly independent of eachother. A lot of other things hide behind Love; jelously, Need for Control, and an infinate amount of Insecurites. All you can see is the love, until it's too late. More often than Holding On, it's the Letting Go. It's Really Annoying. I'm not even saying any of this because I feel myself caught in the Turbulent Current of "Love." Right now I feel like nothing more than an observer when it comes to that stuff: Watching not only others around me, but the ways that I also express it and feel it. The way everyone finds their own ways to Feed their Need. So apparently the Redneck and I are officially "Seeing Eachother," though I made it a point to say not boyfriend/girlfriend. Those words have no place here at this time. I'm more curious about the whole thing than anything--how did we jump so suddenly in that direction when the main purpose of me stopping by his place was to get some stuff I'd left there like a month ago? How can I pursue something I have told myself again and again is not the Best Choice, or even really a Good Choice? How commited am I to that idea anyways? And where is it gonna go? I dunno. He just seemed so happy to see me. Like Stupid Happy. Giddy isn't the right word but it's the first word that comes to mind. He gave himself away a little, and I found that Touching. Not just that he really does kind of like me, but because he likes me for the reasons I want to be liked. And even he brought up that the Neighbor's Little Brother was butt-hurt because he had liked me, because he had flat out told Redneck how he felt. Which means that he was able to tell everyone but me. That really bugged me; it does me no good to hear about it from anyone but him. That's where Redneck gains enough points to take the lead. He fucking said something. Not that I'm convinced by any stretch that I made a Good Decition, but I'm OK with riding out this decition to see what becomes of it. We shall see. 4:42 a.m. - 2010-07-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just in case you had some sort of retort
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